omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
