Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
