I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
