I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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