i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
