Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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