My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
