Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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