It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
