Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
