i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize