just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
