He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I am available for nakedness
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
