WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
