Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
