I accidentally had phone sex last night
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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