He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
