My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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