I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
