Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
