I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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