you traded sex for a burrito?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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