it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
