He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
