He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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