Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
