You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
