i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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