So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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