I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
