I think my vagina is haunted
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
