I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
