He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
