New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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