I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize