Nicole vs. Life
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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