I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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