all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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