I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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