apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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