True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
