so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
