I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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