Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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