Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
