This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
