I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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