She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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