just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
