ugly people sure do ruin things
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
