remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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