you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
