My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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