I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
