Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize