Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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