Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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