nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
