do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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