my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
