and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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