Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
