It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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