I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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