Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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