if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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